oh and i need to make a new lj or just stop using lj altogether. not sure. but all in all, this will be my last post on this account.

it's been very short lived, but i can't say that i haven't lived much. in the few short months or weeks this thing has existed, i can say that i've done a lot more things than i have with... say the other times in my life perhaps.

so good-bye, dear journal. 25unicorns was a very nice name. i liked it a lot. but now this is too old for me, and my spirit has changed. we don't belong together. i'm shedding you away now. feel free to unfriend me. actually, please do. 25unicorns needs to be alone now.

dear journal, life is going as usual. i've dropped a few habits perhaps. maybe i'll be healtheir. i don't know. i always seem to start vacations on the wrong foot by upsetting the parents and getting grounded. i didn't get grounded though, but maybe it's because we care too less now about everything. again, i don't know. i broke my curfew by 2 hours last week. my curfew is midnight. that's right. 2am, and no house key. i suck. mother was not too happy. ironically, i found my missing house key at the bottom of my bookbag (which i had with me). i suck even more. anyway, christmas always makes me sad. i'm glad it's over. now i can continue doing whatever it was i was doing with my life. doctor, i'm disobedient. help me fix this.

got toothpaste in my eye again
it hurts but it's so minty.. i don't know what to think

nail polish is scary sometimes
makes my fingers looke like they're 5 yrs old

didn't have dinner with jesse on sunday unfortunately
maybe we'll see on wednesday and friday
if only everyday, y'know?

i don't know
i still have xmas presents to make
wish me luck here i go

dear journal,

i should stop chewing the insides of my mouth
i knee-ed myself in my left eye while doing tumbles
i hit my head on the ceiling of a car belonging to someone i don't really know
i feel better about everything
i should do school stuff and college stuff
i hate stuff
i don't know how to relax anymore
i've been making more and more acquaintences
i'm a bit happy, so i'm worried something bad might happen now
i had a terrible dream where nazi boyscouts hijacked my train

bah, I ate a lot of cheese and crackers

I was planning on running 2 miles anyway
I must run in secret
my mom doesn't know I don't have shoes

hm i'm havin a good time sort of

things aren't so ideal, but whatever
i don't feel bad about any of it
i am making friends with people who were once strangers
it is nice

donated blood last friday, had weird dreams about robots again, am about to run another mile
----------------------------------------------
EDIT: dude, I only ran half a mile. I feel like a loser, but dude, it was around 5+mph for a quarter mile, and 4.5-4.8mph for another quarter mile. Then I stretched. Not so bad, I suppose, but EHH. Disappointment. Oh, and this is without shoes. This is bad for my feet and ankles probably. I need to get my freakin shoes back. At least, I have some sort of goal for something. College aims are still iffy, whereas physical aims are straight on I-GOTTA-DO-THIS. I need to exile rice from my home.

This is how I operate. I looked for that Brian/Ryan stranger kid. Paolo and I saw him, but we got distracted by some girl freakin' out because some other girl almost hit her with a car earlier that morning? I don't know. It was stupid.

as for the exercise parade, I'd like myself more if I didn't have fat thighs. Vain insipid thoughts, but they resonate so true.

woo I'm excited

I ran (like seriously ran) a mile again today. I feel good. I won't be able to do this tomorrow because of Spanish and Madrigal, but 'tis cool. I'll do it again Saturday and the rest of my life hopefully. Endorphins are nice. I'm going to start running 6mph. But I'd need my shoes. I've been running without shoes. Not good, but whatever, I need to move. I still don't have enough money to do anything.

last tuesday, I remembered the beaver song and sung it during history while playing chess...

today: ran 1 mile, 10 pushups (weakling!), 21 weight lifts (arms), 18 sit ups/crunches (weakling!), and I don't know what else. The downfall of today was eating a bag of biscotti.. what the heck

sooo freakin busy, and I won't see Jesse this weekend because he's working, and his finals are soon, and blahhhh madrigal is ruining my "shopping day" with my mom...!!! I must buy something this weekend... I've never had the urge to shop before... I also must do something with my hair (it's boring) and I don't have enough money for much of anything.

also, christmas picnic? not sure. do you think 23 is too close to xmas? I need to look at a calendar. gimme suggestions!

gah life just needs to fix itself sometimes

today
- spilt sour cream on my jeans
- got angry at Kristen
- didn't talk much
- tinikling dance (suck)
- talked on phone for almost an hour
- ate too much
- hate hate hate

yesterday was friday funday
the only iffy part was the calc retake and my mom's reaction to lisztomania
"so you're watching porn now?"
what? no? it's a movie about franz liszt, and france is a decadent place...
anyway

finally hung out with Jesse after
not seeing him for almost 2 weeks
it was great to see him
at one point we were listening to queen
and quietly drawing each other sort of

he shaved his beard a little

I had a two day binge, now I will cease to think of food

hello, kids

whatever problems I have are mine
sorry for being dramatic
no sense in publicizing what's eating you
but yeah, I've pretty much accepted the current state of things
I can't elaborate
I don't know it myself
I feel better, but still bitter
but the bitterness will be tamed soon enough
maybe I'm taking on another persona subconsciously
I've suspected it
I need new clothes and shoes
I also need to take care of my skin and nails
I'm 18, but I'm $40 of a new piercing
I need a charity fund
perhaps I can DIY this
no worries, we're professional DIY people
hmm, I will start my new life by washing my face

so I'm in a mix
I don't know what to do

( a photo from last friday/saturday )

Well, it's my turn to have a bad day. So this is it. I'm tired of half-assing things. Should I just go full speed? To where though? It's gotta be someplace good... or else it'll be like going backwards back to 7th grade or something. Hell. I'm sick of everything. I want to be alone. At least for now. It's all very selfish to want to be alone on my own terms, but dammit, man. I'm spiraling to failure. I even gained weight. What the fuck, man? I don't want to eat anything. It's all making me fatter. Everything. Nothing is good for me. Everything's so toxic and harmful and fattening. I'm going insane. No one knows good nutrition anymore. I don't want to eat normal. Normal is rice, spam, tuna, oily fried chicken, hotdogs, carbs, eggs, etc etc. It's all so disgusting. No one gives me vegetables anymore. And this is why I'm exciting about going to college and buying my own food. It's not a mild freakout. This is my fuckin' life. One disappointment after another. Gosh. I hate being this sad, this depressed. Fuck. I can't get it off me. Everytime I'm by myself, I feel so wretched. What's even worse is that sometimes the feeling stays even when I'm around people. People who can talk and listen. People who can sympathize and joke and laugh. People who can distract me from the ridiculous sadness that eats away at my thoughts and ruins my life and goals and everything. Gosh, I can't say anything lovely today. Everytime I open my mouth, it's like spitting poison. IT'S NOT WARRANTED. Nothing happened. Nothing provoked this hideous feeling. Get it off!!!! Another wasted day. Another wasted day! I don't want to be!!!!!!!

Maybe I'll feel differently later. But it bothers me that this part of me exists.

yesterday, picnic, ice-skating, etc.

today, veggie burger, macy's day parade, etc.

life, disappointment, after, disappointment, etc.

I had 2 dreams recently.

The first one was where I was on Venus jumping in and out of puddles. An octopus ate my arm. The octopus looked exactly like my small clay octopus from art.

The second dream was last ngiht's dream. Hmm.. I've forgotten most of it, and it was a dream where it took my memories and made them false. For example, I had originally met Jesse in the Philippines... and the girl I saw at Chili's really was Brittney Buckley, and Brittney got onto me for not saying Hello or something like that. Anyway.

I'm playing Metal Gear Solid 2 which I immensely suck at playing... Wednesday is picnic, eh? Dude, I'm so going.

So I've decided to accept whatever mood swings I happen to experience and just go with it. It's all me, I suppose, and there's not stopping or changing it.

The most exciting news as of recently: I've bought a goldfish!

He looks like Hitler. I'll take a picture tomorrow maybe, but you should see him yourself. He or she is a regular ol' Neo-Nazi.

If anybody would like to add me www.myspace.com/CyrelleTV

So yes. The days have been wretched. I am unsatisfied with life thus far. I hate almost everything in this world. But then sometimes I love almost everything. I hate thinking two different ways. I am conflicted as to who is really me. I sound like an angsty teenager. I hate it. I blame it on my mood swings, but they are so rough.

Everything is so disappointing and gray. And yet today is a beautiful day to be outside. Man. I don't want to be on the same level with everybody else. I want to be able to exist without feeling constricted or alienated. But then it's pretty selfish and not logical. Then again, I wonder if I was born to be accepted and logical. I wonder these things. I want to know if I have to mold my life around the rest of society or if I can make quiet creations and somehow not be lonely. wewejtgwioejsgfe

no one seems to be as friendly as they should

Blah. I woke up at 12:30pm today. Friday was fun. I hung out with Paolo, Mary, and Jesse. I feel bad for making Paolo and Mary late for Homecoming. And I felt bad for making Jesse late for meeting his grandparents. And I was right with my prediction that I'd feel sad for a little while. So right. But it did go away.

Homecoming was alright. I was there for maybe an hour or less. Blah. We danced with Daniel & Co. Ben was being all stiff and depressed. I'm sorry, but a lot of the so-called "dancing" I saw was not dancing at all. I dare you to do that in a competition. You'd all be shot! Let me tell you. You'd be shot 5 times whereas I'd be shot only twice, but only because I really can't dance.

Tomorrow, I need to do a lot of school work! And I'm going to say good-bye to my grandma in the airport. She's going to the Philippines to visit her sick sister.

Life is still going on surprisingly. 18 years is old, don't you think so? How do humans last so long?

My new cellular phone arrived in the mail. I find it adorable. It's almost like INFO.BAR in Japan, but shorter and less colorful. It's cool though. It's all white. All electronic devices ought to be white.

I am doing pretty well. Even though I haven't run in a while, I'm not completely gone. I'm glad. It sucks because as a short person, any weight gain is pretty obvious.

Blah, I hope tomorrow rocks. I have a feeling I'll be sad for a little bit of tomorrow, but hopefully it won't last.

Today was a pretty blah day. My alarm clock is broken, I swear. I set it again and again, but it hasn't gone off for the past few days. What a jerk.

I talked a bit with Emily today during classes. She's pretty funny and nice. She was Pythagoras today, and it was cool.

I overshot my weight today. Here, I thought I was 110 or 115, but when I get home and see for myself, I'm freaking 105. Whoop whoop, but ehhh. Also, energy drinks are shot. 100 cal, you say? Psh! How about 100 cal per serving, and there's 2 servings!!! I HATE YOU, MONSTER. I HATE YOU. Also, my pulse was 17 beats per 15 seconds. So in 1 minute, my pulse would be around 68. Seems okay, I guess. Emily said something in MONSTER can thin my blood. Hmm.

Also, it's that time of year again! Cya will stop eating meat for as long as she can. Also, she will inform you about how you can save the environment and animals. I hope you care to join me.